


No Kiba, not the turtles

by tothemovies (jarofactonbell)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, M/M, but together they share one brain cell, chaotic and righteous idiots, danzo is here for me to put him in jail, environmentalist boyfriends, the teachers are so tired of these two, they are so much smarter separately, they've been suspended together they're going to die together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 11:47:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18690859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarofactonbell/pseuds/tothemovies
Summary: Kiba flounders to explain their dilemma: their current status in the staff's black book, the turtles, the shattered fish tank and consequent stranded goldfish nearly hurtling themselves down the stairs, that group of baby freshmen slipping and nearly shattering their collective faces and so on. Shino waits, but after too many minutes of convoluted explanations, decides that subtlety and the entire anguished backstory wouldn't cut it, so he'll just have to paraphrase the truth.“We freed some animals, caused some mild property damage along with mass student body injury counts and now we're on long term suspension,” Shino paraphrases.It takes the Uchihas two seconds to process and another for Itachi to very carefully, ask them, “How much is some.”“Like,” Kiba blinks twice, “all of them?”“All of them,” Itachi repeats. There are not enough words to sufficiently describe the infamous Uchiha Stare™. Not enough people have intermissions in which they are coherent or free from their sobbing to describe the full extent of the Stare on their emotional state.





	No Kiba, not the turtles

**Author's Note:**

> hnnnn have some foods, kibashino nation
> 
> also tag yourself i'm shino's 'let's do it babey, i know the law'

Shino isn't quite sure how they got here. Did the Uchiha wunderkind pair get in touch with them first or did Kiba pull strings and sell his other kidney for a meeting? It's hard to tell and things are falling to irrelevance now - they're here, twin pairs of red and black eyes waiting for Shino and Kiba to spew their latest harebrained scheme. Or confess to their culpability in their latest public disorder misdemeanour.

He exchanges perfunctory nods to Itachi and a bow to Shisui, carefully adding the respectful suffix  _ -san  _ inside his head. It is a bit of a reverse order than when people normally give their greetings in, but he had worked with the two Uchihas before and trust him when he says that this greeting summarises them perfectly.

Kiba on the other hand, rockets up like a LED light bulb on current overtime and comes near to short circuiting in front of  _ The _ Uchiha Shisui:  _ Oh my god senpai I love your works. Can you sign my face please! _

There were some manly and some not-so-manly pterodactyl squeals. He's not inclined to or below spitting on his ancestor’s name to reenact them. 

Shisui grins charmingly, shaking Shino's hand and willfully ignoring the heart eyes from Kiba. “Heya kids. How can we help?”

He can hear Itachi's hushed  _ -Being called senpai really boosts up that ego of yours huh,  _ to which Shisui grins a response that is saccharine sweet - and equally homicidal -  _ Watch your back today,  _ **_dango_ ** _. _

Kiba flounders to explain their dilemma: their current status in the staff's black book, the turtles, the shattered fish tank and consequent stranded goldfish nearly hurtling themselves down the stairs, that group of baby freshmen slipping and nearly shattering their collective faces and so on. Shino waits, but after too many minutes of convoluted explanations, decides that subtlety and the entire anguished backstory wouldn't cut it, so he'll just have to paraphrase the truth.

“We freed some animals, caused some mild property damage along with mass student body injury counts and now we're on long term suspension,” Shino paraphrases.

It takes the Uchihas two seconds to process and another for Itachi to very carefully, ask them, “How much is  _ some.” _

“Like,” Kiba blinks twice, “all of them?”

“All of them,” Itachi repeats. There are not enough words to sufficiently describe the infamous Uchiha Stare™. Not enough people have intermissions in which they are coherent or free from their sobbing to describe the full extent of the Stare on their emotional state. 

“Must've been pretty terrifying for the rest of the school,” Shisui continues, unphased. It's eerie, his blase demeanour after the sudden reveal. It’s as if he’s too familiar with how many idiotic schemes high schoolers get up to and delegates the barest level of care to all nasty surprises.

Shino empathises with that, to the bottom of his dead heart.

“Nah. We go to the same school as Naruto. After all the stunts he’s pulled, freed animals no longer freak out anyone. I think some younger kids picked the escaped animals up, like, Konohamaru near took a turtle home -” Kiba profusely explains.

Shino cuts in -

“He  _ what _ ?”

“I took the turtle away from him, gosh, Aburame, I'm not an  _ amateur  _ -”

“For heaven's sake, Inuzuka, the plan was to disturb the staff and not the students. We are trying to make a point here -”

“Cool story bro, except that I can't control what animals want to do. Plus they deserve that freedom that was wrenched from them! Justice for Konoha High's oppressed and imprisoned school pets!” Kiba declares, very emphatically, a second away from throwing himself into the stratosphere of Animal Rights’ Activism.

Shino only sighs, long suffering, a hand reaching out to pull his idiot back down. “We started a chain of people following in our footsteps and now there are loose and rampaging animals everywhere in the school. That’s why we're suspended. If our marks weren't so great, we'd be expelled.”

“Seems like you two are -” Itachi clears his throat, “sparking a revolution?”

“By freeing animals,” Shino confirms, a touch morosely.

“Environmental activism!” Kiba emphatically contributes.

“Pretty sure you two are veering into eco terrorism at the rate you're going,” Shisui notes ruefully.

Shino slaps a hand to his forehead. Of course. Of course they  _ bloody  _ are. 

Shisui continues, gentler than before. “Protesting to the living conditions of the school animals is okay, but freeing them and clogging up school activities aren't necessarily the outcomes you want to have when you're peacefully protesting. You’re harming the environment and the daily routine of other innocent students who are just as anguished as you are. You're sparking a chain of similar behaviour that will eventually kill some animals taken out of their adapted captivity. At this point you two really are turning out to be menaces. Nearing eco terrorist menaces, which I don't think is a good title to have, at least for you, Shino.”

“Wow,” Kiba is distracted from his whole two second silence of horror, “you are so cool.”

Shisui grins and it chills Shino to the bone. Imagine a human grin that has too many teeth. That’s scary, especially on a known gentle face such as Shisui’s. “Thanks kid. But I wouldn't be anywhere without my partner ‘ere. ‘Tachi, my man in the shadow, the anchor to my ship, the fan to my flame.”

Itachi apparently doesn’t deem that statement worthy of a verbal response.

See, when people look at the Itachi and Shisui dynamic™, they see a tall and easygoing beagle (usually relegated to Shisui per his constant smiles) and a ‘stone cold bitch’ (someone else's words that got them an Uchiha Sasuke throwing himself halfway across the cafeteria and punching them twenty shades of purple - certified by Sai with a colour chart). Shino, after his work experience at the Nakano river to observe the concerning migration patterns of local freshwater pondweed bugs, can say that equally, the collective Uchiha clan carries the same brand of bone-frightening terror on the ones they wish to crush with the sheer power of their red eyes alone. It's more terrifying from Shisui because he's normally so gentle and playful, but just as easily as smiling and thanking for a good report, he could smile daggers at a misbehaving junior in his research team while wielding his pen like he can and will shank them if it weren’t for the laws of this land. 

Shino sees that the awe will not wear off Kiba for a good ten days, so he takes it upon himself to ask for the help they actually, legitimately need.

"We want to get rid of the mildly illegal holding of several endangered species of animals inside unsafe holding spaces without breaking the terms of our suspension.”

“The terms are…?”Itachi leans forward, eyebrows lifting, while Shisui snorts in tandem. “Danzo is as paranoid as ever, I see, giving out  _ terms  _ for teenage suspension.”

“We also don’t want to become eco terrorists in our protests,” Shino adds, in case it wasn’t clear. “I don’t want that on my record, conscience or association of name.”

Itachi and him share this look of utter camaraderie. They  _ know.  _ They understand each other’s pains in lugging around the embodiment of Dumbassery Reincarnate, double the trouble now that there are  _ two  _ of them.

“He must have signed the terms of agreement for containing dangerous and illegal creatures in the school, which you just need to retrieve and throw at the next council meeting,” Itachi hums, two fingers pinching his chin. “Ideally, of course, that nothing goes wrong.”  

“Can we have a realistic plan of execution where we still remain ‘under suspension’,” Shino inquires, knocking his knee into Kiba who dutifully adds in the air quotes at ‘under suspension’. “And don’t get caught?”

Kiba has the most wolfish canines out of the four of them - this was fact, but the way Shisui grins and his lips curl across his teeth strikes Shino as especially predatory. He leaves the Uchiha compound with the healthy dose of appreciation of an older researcher who once described the experience of being near ‘Shisui-san when he’s got a vaguely illegal idea somehow recodes your DNA from a predator species to a prey species with side facing eyes’ is an actual universal experience and he would like to  _ never go through that ever again- let’s just meet Itachi-san next time,  _ _ only _ _. Please Kiba, my nerves can't handle this stress. _

  
  


“There’s been a school wide investigation on illegal animal trafficking rings. Assistant principal, Shimura-sama, is suspected, with proof,” Hinata tells him over the phone. 

“How odd,” Shino hums, at absolutely no discretion to hide his glee.

“Hmm, certainly,” she hums back, already suspicious.

“What happened?” Kiba asks, and in his voice there is enough curiosity to bowl over Hinata’s undoubted pinched eyebrow of suspicion.

“Asuma-sensei found a cart of documents stamped Classified on the cover and per his responsibilities to the school, was obligated to hand them over to Sarutobi-sama to inspect its contents. They were paperworks permitting the transport and sales of several endangered species within the medium of the school. The teacher body and council members had been in an ongoing emergency meeting ever since 7 this morning and the Konoha police force just arrived at the south gate,” Hinata recounts, no doubt worried about their involvement in the ensuing drama. They grew up and out of each other's pockets. She  _ knows  _ they were involved, even if there were no evidence pointing to it.

“How absolutely devastating,” Shino intones, at negative level of sincerity.

Kiba and Ino crow simultaneous war cries of  _ Alexa play Despacito!  _ with Shikamaru shushing them to no avail.

“Cyclops man wants to pull you two in for questioning,” Ino tells the phone.

"But we're suspended, Yamanaka-san. He'll have to lift our suspensions for further actions to happen,” Kiba crows back sweetly.

“I don't know what you did, but good on ya,” she tuts her tongue in a rare admittance of a job well done.

“Thanks. I'll keep that in mind when I'm in jail!” Kiba tells her.

“We are not going to jail,” Shino reminds him, turning off the call. “The worst we can stoop to is juvenile detention. They’ll have no choice but to convict us as minors and send us to ‘correctional education’. But like I said, worst case scenario. The law is on our side.”

Kiba’s answering smile is sharp. “I like the way your mind works.”

  
  


The police does end up contacting the two of them, but only to reassure them that there will be no charges pressed and they are sorry for wasting their time.

Shino and Kiba are required to come in for the investigation anyways. To the absolute dismay of Danzo, whose accusations could chip at thin air, their alibis were not only freakishly polished, but backed up by too many others for their defence to even be glanced at.  

The two boys in question were talking with Shisui and Itachi in the time of the suspected breach. A number of Uchiha members saw them entering and staying in the compound. Fugaku was setting out futon for them to stay the night because it was getting late. These testimonies arrive from members of the police force and high ranking officials. They are reputed members of society and their profession. They would never lie, no sir, not in the face of a police investigation of fully proofed illegal endangered animal trafficking activities within Konoha High. 

Danzo, with his signature scrawl across a good 90% of all the forms permitting such stated trafficking, is adamant on Shino and Kiba’s involvement in the reveal of  _ his  _ involvement. 

“Shimura-san,” Fugaku, because he’d perfected the act of passive aggressiveness, doesn’t give Danzo the respect he’s due, eluding the  _ -sama  _ everyone else reverently address Danzo with. “Are you suggesting these two boys were at two different places, at the same time?”

Danzo’s answer remains at  _ yes _ , though it’s weaker this time.

“Sir, your claims are insubstantial. Right now, they are at a position to sue  _ you  _ for untrue allegations of criminal activities in which they were not engaged. I suggest you cooperate with police to streamline the investigation process,” Itachi clicks open his briefcase and begins his questioning. “Right now, sir, you are an accused individual. Do you understand all of your rights? You have the right to silence, and to an attorney...” 

Fugaku leads them out, apologising for involving them in matters in which they have no participation.

“It’s quite alright, sir,” Shino reassures him, grin in his voice, “we truly wanted to help streamline the investigation process, in whatever ways we could.”

“Of course,” Fugaku nods sagely. “All arrest procedures are in order. I can even dare to say that committals will be quite swift.”

“How utterly devastating, for such illegal activities to befall such a great man,” Kiba hisses in a stage whisper, and Shino has half a mind to remind him to shush.

"Indeed,” Fugaku very briefly winks at them, then turns away. “Have a safe journey back, young animal activists. No more trouble from you two now.”

Kiba’s ensuing call to Shisui goes something like this -

“Shisui-san, was your whole clan in on it?”

“I have no idea what you are talking about, Kiba-kun. We gave truthful and very honest testimonials to your whereabouts at the compound, that, as far as we have noted, you were in the reading room, with Itachi and I, and not elsewhere. Or heavens forbid, at your school while you were on suspension. That would be irresponsible of you and of us, to permit such an act.”

Kiba whispers an awed  _ wow I love him so much  _ as Shino takes the phone from him.

“It would also be dangerous for someone to accurately guide this perpetrator on how to evade all security protocols on school grounds. No cameras recorded anyone in the hours of the suspected breach and Sarutobi genuinely had no idea of any of these activities. They would covet any operations amidst their own and not expose their secrecies, would they not?”

“You,” Shino breathes, “are a vindictive and terrifying predator.”

“It’s human nature to hunt, my dear,” Shisui barks out a laugh. “I’ll see you boys next week when I pick up the Troublesome Two. Don't get in trouble till then. Toodles ~”

  
  


Much later -

“So how come you got in touch with the Uchiha Two?”

“I really admired Shisui's work on sea animal captivity reforms and Itachi with his repudiated successful lobbying of said reforms. So I ambushed Naruto and Kushina-san, who gave me Mikoto-san’s number and then I got Itachi’s. Shisui comes as a packaged deal with Itachi.”

“Hmm.”

“Your silence is deafening, Shino-chan. It could kill a guy.”

“I’m trying to find a way to go about this without sounding like an absolute arse, but I can’t, so fess up. What’s the real reason you called them in? Because I know you don’t like Itachi  _ that  _ much, not after Sasuke trounced you at soccer and you swore hatred on the, and I quote, ‘cursed main branch of the Uchiha line’.”

“Maybe I really love Shisui-san.”

“You met him when you crashed into my field work, which you _ weren’t invited to _ and you were terrified of him. Your eyes nearly came sideways. You just chalked it up as admiration.”

“Okay so maybe there's this Uchiha member who is a freshly reformed international terrorist who used eco terrorism to protest against unjust treatment of ostracised groups in the world and also shitty treatment of the ecology -”

“Kiba you can't just follow in the footsteps of an ex-terrorist. His methodology is illegal. On an international scale. No. Bad.”

“Shino-chan, he is the reason I am who I am today.”

“Explains why we were suspended then. You followed illegal methodologies. What did you expect?”

“Um rude!”

**Author's Note:**

> this was such a ride and you are legally obligated to clown me because of it. now do it
> 
> be my kibashino fam on these funky platforms: [twitter](https://twitter.com/tacobell_com), [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/jenny_benny) and [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/tacomakers-central)


End file.
